i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
