never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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