i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
