You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
