I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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