Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
