His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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