God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
