Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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