wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
