My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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