I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
