I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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