im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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