I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
