walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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