You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
