Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
