The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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