The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
