What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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