i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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