I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
