My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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