Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I supernannyed him into submission
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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