awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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