Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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