I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
