My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
