every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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