im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
