i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
