Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
