what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
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I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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