Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
