dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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