if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You were trust falling into bushes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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