I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
