Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
