But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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