I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it hurts more in the daytime
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Randomize
