sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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