i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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