he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
