I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
