how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
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YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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