When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
