hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
