I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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