when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
