i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
