Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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