doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.