I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
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You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
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Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.