i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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