when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
