I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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