final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
