I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
