I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
