just tell him i said nine months
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
