i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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