her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
