today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
