Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
