I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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